Ever get so lazy in front of a TV screen that you get up afterwards wondering what the heck you really wanted to do with your day?  Not your fault!  Or so went the family legend.  I can’t remember exactly when this song of mine came about, but let’s say circa age 10-13.  My mom discouraged excessive TV and my dad agreed in principle.  But “the Blare” gets him to this day.  This is a creature that lives inside TVs and makes you keep watching.  Or a convenient excuse for your own lack of willpower.  Learn from my mistake, and don’t marathon sit-coms for whole weekends at a time in front of your godmother: when my sister and I were caught, we were sent on a hike up Grouse Mountain.  Anyway, even the writers in my family aren’t immune to “the Blare”.  We like to believe only the highest quality shows can trap us, but the truth is we have our “because it’s on and I don’t feel like thinking” shows, same as anyone.  As someone who is generally prouder of books than movies, I give you my musical self-defense:

Chorus: It’ll grab you, hold you, never let you go!

Itch you, twitch you, rock you to and fro! 

Stops you from walking, stops you from talking,

Beware!  Beware!  Be careful not to stare!

You’ll get no mercy from the TV Blare!

Verse 1: If you get too near, you’ll be sure to hear its cry,

No matter how you try you can’t resist,

For the Blare insists on getting you glued, 

No matter what your mood.

Chorus:

Verse 2:  Your parents shout, but without a doubt, 

The Blare’s got all your senses,

And he’s fenced them in with fences, 

They can’t get through; there’s nothing they can do,

They can’t understand that you’re under the command

Of the mighty Blare!  Beware!  Beware!

Chorus: 

Verse 3: It’ll drag you in when you could’ve been

Doing something useful, something a little truthful,

It’ll strain your eyes ’til you realize

It gives nothing but pain to a good, hard-working brain. 

Chorus:

Verse 4:  TV’s not such a terrible thing, but if there lives a Blare within,

Your life’s in danger of being pointless; stupefied, you’re completely useless!

Beware!  Beware!  Be careful not to stare!  You’ll get no mercy from the TV Blare!