This poem is from my Coffee News days – a four-month period in my first year living away from home.  I lived in Abbotsford with my roommates and got to know the local publisher of the Coffee News: a free, weekly, one-page publication delivered to restaurants and businesses with waiting areas.  I only just realized by looking it up now that Coffee News is a global phenomenon (http://www.coffeenews.com/); however, it was founded in Winnipeg, Manitoba.

Each local branch of this paper has a publisher.  In 2008, the Abbotsford guy decided to include my poems in a few issues.  This was technically my first official publication, though I saw it more as a personal favour at the time.

I sent this poem to my friend with a big batch of poems that were the right length, but sadly I do not recall if it was one that actually came out in Coffee News.  I did not keep more than one or two issues.  My obsession with publishing my novels was such that I awaited souvenirs on this front and denied my future self the full record of my writing career.  As far as I can tell this little piece reflects my love of acrostic poems…my love of humorous dialogues with villains…my love of Shel Silverstein’s work (the abrupt ending reminds me of his “Boa Constrictor” poem in Where the Sidewalk Ends).

Compliments must be showered upon you,

Oh, yes they must:

Magnificent towering figure you have

Perfectly, wonderfully

Lethal-looking teeth

I think you should keep them very, very clean

Mostly because blood stains would ruin their sparkle

Even when you’re about to eat me you look fabulous

Never seen anyone who takes better care of their looks

Too bad no amount of whitener will get that smile back

Actually, you have a great personality too!

Refrain from tarnishing your goodness and mercy by

You know not—